Toughen Up?

I hate to see my daughter hurt; especially when I can do nothing about it.  Yet the somewhat comforting thing about physical hurt is that it can be managed.  Pick her up, brush her off, kiss it better, and maybe apply a band-aid (or two or three).  After all, nothing left but a tiny scar.

What about the stuff that leaves a bigger scar?  The stuff you can't take back?  This is where my story begins.  There is a little girl at daycare, let's call her Mean Girl.  One day Luci comes home from school and says, "Mean Girl says I'm ugly."  SCREECH!  Wha?  Huh?  Not sure I heard right, I asked, "What'd you say?"  "Mean Girl says I'm ugly."  She tells me the story (insert two year old speak) and while shaking my head and staring at Chad, I reply, "First of all, you are beautiful and second, that is not a nice word.  We don't use that word.  If she does that again, you tell her that that is not nice and we don't talk like that."

I mention it at daycare, provider obviously does not believe me (I am have Mean Girl for three years, doesn't sound like her).  When I pick her up, she has changed her tune and explains the "circumstances" of why she would use that word.  Don't care, not acceptable.

Fast forward to a week later.  Luci:  "Mean Girl told me that my hair was not curly and it is.  She says only beautiful princesses have curly hair and hers is.  But mine's not."  At this point, my advice was repeated through gritted teeth. Not nice, bla, bla, bla.  Don't use that word and so on.  I am really starting to get annoyed now.  Who is this Hitler 4 year old and what does she have against my kid:?  My amazingly beautiful kid?

Now we are onto this week.  Luci brings home a very pretty picture of flowers that she made.  She is obviously proud.  "Mean girl says my picture is ugly.  I don't think my picture is ugly.  I told her that word is not nice and we don't use that word."  Cheering my girl on, I tell her how proud I am of her.  Inwardly, I am seething.

I don't care about Mean Girl (well I do really).  The bigger issue is what Mean Girl represents.  My daughter is going to get knocked down, both physically and mentally for the rest of her life.  People are going to intentionally and unintentionally make her feel small and worthless.  But at two?  I don't have enough band aids to fix all that will ail her, hurt her, or scar her over the years.  Life is tough, I get that.  But two year old skin is about as soft as it gets.  She is not going to remember Mean Girl and all the stupid things she says.  But one day she is going to feel less than perfect.  I just want that day to be as close to her 50th birthday as possible.    

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Day 2 went beautifully.  I was focused, taking care of myself, eating well, and thinking good thoughts.  I bought new underwear, wore some lipstick, and we took a nice, long walk to the library.  My first day of school was delightful and I was left with a strong sense of being able to move toward.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not starting fresh from some hurt. There was no traumatic life event that I have to retreat from. I am a pretty good person and friend and a great teacher and mom.  Yet I knew I wasn't being the best person that I could be.  I was (am) ready to be that best person.

Today started well and then it happened.  I had a bad day.  It was a combination of outside factors and myself.  My expectation of the day did not meet reality.  It was not all bad.  I got to see people who are important to me, I learned a little, and I got to celebrate another school year.  By 4:00, I was grumpy, tired, and not so inspired.  So you know what I did?

I ate  I would have told you prior to this that I was not an emotional eater.  Apparently I am.  I should have had enough introspection to know this about myself, but it's kinda tricky.  I don't do it a lot and many times it aligns with "girl issues" so I don't even notice it.  Sometimes, I just feel like I need to eat.  Today, I needed it.  As I sat with my family (my beautiful family), ingesting my greasy meal, I realized I am doing this for all the wrong reasons.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to eat a good cheeseburger, but not like this.  As we sat waiting for the food, my spirits lifted.  My heart was happy.  Not because I was about to eat that cheeseburger (although I still really really loved that meal).  It was happy because of my company.  Because I got to talk to Chad.  Because Jude smiled at me.  Because Luci made me laugh.  There are a lot of things that make my heart happy.  The cheeseburger will just give me clogged arteries.  

Wanna know what I am going to do the next time instead?  I'll walk.  I'll take Luci and Jude to the park.  I'll sit on my porch swing and read.  I'll reflect on the day and figure out what sucked and make changes.  Allowing yourself to give in denotes passivity.  There is not a passive bone in my body.  I allow myself to be a victim of myself and my choices.  I am no one's victim.  The next time I make a choice about "naughty" food, it will be one I make whole-heartedly with good conscience.  Look out nachos, I'm coming for you next.

My Own Skin

I weigh too much, hate the way I look, and am not physically fit.  This sucks.  It sucks hard.  I lost the weight after having Luci so easily.  I was never a little thing, but I got back into my pants so quickly.  I loved hearing everyone say how quickly I lost the weight.  This was not the same thing with Jude.  I gained very little weight, yet seemed to retain all, or most of it.  I also retained the baggage that comes with putting on pounds.

As a side note, I deleted that first sentence 8 times.  I'd type it, look at it, shake my head, and hit the backspace button.  Hoping, praying that as the letters disappeared so would the pounds.  Alas, they did not.  And I am tired.  Not tired because I am a mom of two under three years old.  Not tired because I don't work in the summer and all of the daytime childcare and cleaning falls on me.  Not tired because of the stress I feel as the impending school year draws near.  I am tired because of my weight and the responsibility it brings.

Its not like I am obese and the weight is physically making me tired.  I can get around, I can run, walk, jump, and do all of the things that I need to do.  Its mentally tiring.  I'm over it.  So over it.  Wanna know the funny thing?  The thing that made me decide that it was time to do something about it?  It was not my clothes being too tight, envying the cute bikinis on the beach (I didn't wear a bikini ever), or Luci asking me if there still was a baby in my belly (I know, she's two).

It does have to do with Luci, but it is quite different. The other day, I spent 20 minutes trying to find the right outfit.  You know what Luci was doing?  She was following me around, telling me how much she liked my clothes, and looking up to me.  Right then and there, I decided.  I WILL NOT pass my body issues onto my daughter.  She is beautiful and smart and funny and so many things.  The world will give her issues.  Her mama does not need to.

So here is Day 1.  I am promising myself a day 2 and 3 and so one.  This is not just a story of a weight loss journey.  This is about me loving myself so that my daughter will see me love myself.  She needs a model of how to love yourself through everything, even the crap.  Chad and I are doing an outstanding job modeling a healthy, productive relationship for her.  The other men and women in her life are modeling how to be fabulous, productive people.  Yet I am failing.  Well not yet, but if I continue along this path, I will.

So here is my promise.  I have promised myself I am going to lose weight a BILLION times, but this is different.  I VOW to love myself.  I vow to get moving, have fun, and enjoy physical activity with others.  If I lose weight, sweet.  I do have something to lose and it is this negative attitude I have of myself.  I am beautiful and smart and funny.  And I need to stop looking for that perfect outfit and just be happy in my own skin.    

That's just life...

Adding this post scares me a little.  Mommies don't confess their weaknesses.  Well, I am about to.  I have learned a few things in my two and a half years of parenting.  I am pretty good at many of the things that come with being a parent.  I have great kids.  Outstanding kids.  I can take credit for this, yes, but they are great because of me and in spite of me.  I can be lazy.  Don't judge me.  This is partly why my children are as awesome as they are...
1.  I don't wake up well in the middle of the night.  I never had that mama instinct of "holy crap, they are rustling so I must get up."  I am NOT judging that instinct; rather I just ain't got it.  I love my babies.  I love them more than anything else I have encountered in this world.  But in the middle of the night when I have been sleeping for several minutes (newborn stage) or several hours (later stages), I wake up and pause.  I want to tell you that in my head I think, "Oh darling, if I wait a little while I will be teaching you how to self soothe."  In actuality, my thoughts aren't quite as lovely and I do not have self soothing thoughts in place.  I want them to go back to sleep for me.  Yup...just said it.  Guess what the end result has been?  Two children who have slept on their own and in their own beds since six weeks.  Yes, I am a miracle worker.  A lazy, not agreeable in the middle of the night, waiting for the real cries to start, hitting Chad and telling him that it is his turn miracle worker.  Don't you want me for your night nanny?
2.  My two and a half year old plays independently better than many of the 5 and 6 year olds I know.  Wanna know my secret?  Back to this lazy thing.  I love to read.  I like to watch crappy shows.  I even like to spend time cleaning (I know that's not really lazy at all).  So...I sit on my butt and do the things I need to do for me.  This is not the call CPS, the babies are sitting and crying, without food or attention sort of thing  This is the I am taking the half an hour between 1:00 and 1:30 for me.  Luci, you are on your own with your Legos, puzzles, babies, whatever.  Jude, have a go at the bouncy seat.  This mama is busy for me.  Most times of the day you can find me doing whatever my children need me to do.  Luci has never uttered the phrase, "Mama play with me" without either immediate response or an explanation for why it can't happen right then.  But because I need me time, my children are great at time with themselves.

Upon rereading, I see my mistake.  This was supposed to be a funny, let me tell you about it in a way that would help you see me.  I was kinda feeling bad about this lazy thing, but then I thought that other mommies could relate so I thought I'd put it out there.  Yet, this isn't about being lazy.  Its about taking a minute for yourself.  Damn...that's not funny.  That's just life...

Happy 14 Months!

Dear Luci B.,

You turned 14 months today. Wow! At this time last year, your mommy was worrying over the fact that she would have to leave you to go back to work soon. Now, you're so big and doing new and great things every day.

You just started to walk a lot in the past few weeks. I was not rushing it one bit, but I will admit its pretty cute to watch you toddle. Every time someone new sees you walk, they cheer and you grin. You are so proud of your accomplishment. It makes me happy, yet sad to see your stages go by so quickly. You rolled over and crawled so early. Pulling yourself up was nothing to you. Then you moved to your famous knee walk which resulted in lots of bruises on your knees. You're a walker, big kid. That's another thing under your belt.

You love accessories. There is always a scarf, hat, or blanket wrapped around you somewhere. If you get the chance to go into our bedroom, you make a bee line for your dads' ties and get as many on as you can before we notice. You like to put them on and take them off over and over. You giggle as you do this because you know what a big girl you are. I am amazed at how "girly" you are because I am not. You are definitely your own person with that.

You love books and love to read. We read books throughout the day and then at least three every night before bed. You really enjoy us reading to you, but you also love reading to yourself. With the book open (sometimes upside down), you "read" the words. Ba-Ba-Ba over and over again until you finish the book. I hope you continue to enjoy books. They are so important to daddy and me. Reading takes you places, both in your mind and in life. Keep that energy and excitement going.

We sing and dance all of the time. You have the ABC's down in your own little way and this song settles you down better than any other. You are also a fan of the Rolling Stones and the Lawrence Welk Show. You like to "shake your booty." Its so funny watching you sing and dance. Such a happy baby! I will do everything in my power to keep it that way. I want you to remember the times when we sang and danced. Those are some of the best memories I have of your great-grama and me.

I am amazed every day that I watch your grow and change. I created your physical form and I am helping to create your "youness." Yet I know it is not all me and your family. You have such a strong mind and will that I see you will always be who you are meant to be. I hope I can help make that person even more fabulous.

Please remember you were the most wanted little girl in the world. You continue to be the most wanted little girl in the world.

I love you,
Mommy

I confess!

This has been a difficult year for me, actually a difficult three months. Its not like anything really bad happened to me. There were no deaths, no heartbreak, nothing to "rock my world." Yet my world was rocked. A few circumstances brought to life a fact that was little known to me. I am not as great as I thought I was. I know. I know. You're thinking, "Seriously, you knew this, right?" Nope. That's the problem. I didn't.

One really bad experience at my place of employment and one very uncomfortable encounter with a friend made me realize that I can be a jerk. I don't mean to be a jerk. I really don't. It all stems from my insecurities, but nonetheless, I can be an ass.

I like to think I am pretty nice most of the time. I have friends and family who care about me and seem to think I am pretty cool. But these events showed me my dark side. I am about to confess these issues. This is completely cathartic and completely for me. But you can nod your head in agreement as you read if you wish.

1. I was judgemental. This one I am proud to put in past tense, because I am working REALLY hard on this. I judged my husband, my friends, my colleagues, and even people I did not know. "Why?" you ask. Because it made me feel better about myself. The person I was judging most was myself and I didn't always like what I saw. So I turned it around on others so I didn't have to take my own inventory. I'd like to think that I was never a jerk about it, but come on. Just the act of judging is mean. So I decided to stop. And I can honestly say, I have done a nice job with this one. I still judge people I don't know, because I can't hurt them. But I can, and did, hurt many that I loved. So if you ever felt that, I apologize.

2. I have to get my way. This I am not doing so well on. Let's face it. I was raised by my grama who thought I could do no wrong and gave me anything she could. I then married someone who thinks the world of me and gives me anything he can. We were discussing this over date night last weekend when Chad smiled and said, "I know you need that, so I give it to you." But... At what cost am I always getting my way? At first, I didn't think it mattered. Until a friend told me it did. So again, I am sorry. I would be annoyed if someone always got their way and it wasn't me. So, I am working on this one.

3. I need praise. I need to feel valued and important. See number 2 about the reasons why (grama and Chad). They gave (give) me what I need. This also stems from my insecurities. I tend to talk about all the good just so someone can tell me that, yes, it is awesome. Well of course it is. So lets move past that.

4. I never do things just-because. There is always a purpose, even if the purpose is to have fun. I think, I plan, I make it happen. I think, I plan, I make it happen. Everyone that knows me and loves me knows that there is not a lot of spontaneity in this body. I need the control of knowing what is about to happen.

5. I am afraid to be judged. Posting this for all to read is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I will be up late thinking that you are not going to like or love me as much as you did before this. I will worry that I hurt you and didn't mean to. I will wonder if you already thought those things about me. But then, I will get over it.

I don't want this to be a sad post. Because it is not for me. I needed to know these yucky things so that I could work on them. I made resolutions this year not because it was a new year. But because I am a new me. So, if you are lucky enough to know and love me and I am lucky enough to know and love you, be prepared to be treated well. Because you deserve it. Because I deserve it.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to Heather. Happy birthday to you.

This has now been sung, uttered, screamed, said, whispered, etc. to me exactly 31 times. Oh yeah, I said it... 31 times.

This being said, many things have happened to me in those 31 years.

I learned to walk, talk, feed myself, and be cute in all the ways that babies do (and bigger people as well).

I learned to read, tie my shoes, write my name, and share with my school friends (because my teacher told me I had to).

I learned how to ride my bike, throw a softball, play fair with my friends, and who the cute boys were (what self respecting 10 year old doesn't know that?).

I learned I had to do my chores, do good in school, call my grama if I was going to be late, and come in when it was dark (did not want the ire of said grama).

Later, I learned how to write a really good love note, what a french kiss was, and how to pass a note to my very best girlfriend without the teacher knowing (and now I am that teacher).

Even later, I learned death of a loved one sucks the life out of you as well, while love boosts you back up, and that friends can disappoint you on the same day they make you smile.

Now I know what a good kiss is, that I still have to play fair with my friends, and love notes still work on your partner.

Now I know that I am a sensitive, insecure girl who needs reassurance and have surrounded myself by people who can give me that (they don't seem to mind too much).

Now I know love is hard, no matter who you are trying to love.

Mostly I know I am right where I want to be.