Day 2 went beautifully. I was focused, taking care of myself, eating well, and thinking good thoughts. I bought new underwear, wore some lipstick, and we took a nice, long walk to the library. My first day of school was delightful and I was left with a strong sense of being able to move toward. Don't get me wrong. I am not starting fresh from some hurt. There was no traumatic life event that I have to retreat from. I am a pretty good person and friend and a great teacher and mom. Yet I knew I wasn't being the best person that I could be. I was (am) ready to be that best person.
Today started well and then it happened. I had a bad day. It was a combination of outside factors and myself. My expectation of the day did not meet reality. It was not all bad. I got to see people who are important to me, I learned a little, and I got to celebrate another school year. By 4:00, I was grumpy, tired, and not so inspired. So you know what I did?
I ate I would have told you prior to this that I was not an emotional eater. Apparently I am. I should have had enough introspection to know this about myself, but it's kinda tricky. I don't do it a lot and many times it aligns with "girl issues" so I don't even notice it. Sometimes, I just feel like I need to eat. Today, I needed it. As I sat with my family (my beautiful family), ingesting my greasy meal, I realized I am doing this for all the wrong reasons. There is nothing wrong with wanting to eat a good cheeseburger, but not like this. As we sat waiting for the food, my spirits lifted. My heart was happy. Not because I was about to eat that cheeseburger (although I still really really loved that meal). It was happy because of my company. Because I got to talk to Chad. Because Jude smiled at me. Because Luci made me laugh. There are a lot of things that make my heart happy. The cheeseburger will just give me clogged arteries.
Wanna know what I am going to do the next time instead? I'll walk. I'll take Luci and Jude to the park. I'll sit on my porch swing and read. I'll reflect on the day and figure out what sucked and make changes. Allowing yourself to give in denotes passivity. There is not a passive bone in my body. I allow myself to be a victim of myself and my choices. I am no one's victim. The next time I make a choice about "naughty" food, it will be one I make whole-heartedly with good conscience. Look out nachos, I'm coming for you next.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
My Own Skin
I weigh too much, hate the way I look, and am not physically fit. This sucks. It sucks hard. I lost the weight after having Luci so easily. I was never a little thing, but I got back into my pants so quickly. I loved hearing everyone say how quickly I lost the weight. This was not the same thing with Jude. I gained very little weight, yet seemed to retain all, or most of it. I also retained the baggage that comes with putting on pounds.
As a side note, I deleted that first sentence 8 times. I'd type it, look at it, shake my head, and hit the backspace button. Hoping, praying that as the letters disappeared so would the pounds. Alas, they did not. And I am tired. Not tired because I am a mom of two under three years old. Not tired because I don't work in the summer and all of the daytime childcare and cleaning falls on me. Not tired because of the stress I feel as the impending school year draws near. I am tired because of my weight and the responsibility it brings.
Its not like I am obese and the weight is physically making me tired. I can get around, I can run, walk, jump, and do all of the things that I need to do. Its mentally tiring. I'm over it. So over it. Wanna know the funny thing? The thing that made me decide that it was time to do something about it? It was not my clothes being too tight, envying the cute bikinis on the beach (I didn't wear a bikini ever), or Luci asking me if there still was a baby in my belly (I know, she's two).
It does have to do with Luci, but it is quite different. The other day, I spent 20 minutes trying to find the right outfit. You know what Luci was doing? She was following me around, telling me how much she liked my clothes, and looking up to me. Right then and there, I decided. I WILL NOT pass my body issues onto my daughter. She is beautiful and smart and funny and so many things. The world will give her issues. Her mama does not need to.
So here is Day 1. I am promising myself a day 2 and 3 and so one. This is not just a story of a weight loss journey. This is about me loving myself so that my daughter will see me love myself. She needs a model of how to love yourself through everything, even the crap. Chad and I are doing an outstanding job modeling a healthy, productive relationship for her. The other men and women in her life are modeling how to be fabulous, productive people. Yet I am failing. Well not yet, but if I continue along this path, I will.
So here is my promise. I have promised myself I am going to lose weight a BILLION times, but this is different. I VOW to love myself. I vow to get moving, have fun, and enjoy physical activity with others. If I lose weight, sweet. I do have something to lose and it is this negative attitude I have of myself. I am beautiful and smart and funny. And I need to stop looking for that perfect outfit and just be happy in my own skin.
As a side note, I deleted that first sentence 8 times. I'd type it, look at it, shake my head, and hit the backspace button. Hoping, praying that as the letters disappeared so would the pounds. Alas, they did not. And I am tired. Not tired because I am a mom of two under three years old. Not tired because I don't work in the summer and all of the daytime childcare and cleaning falls on me. Not tired because of the stress I feel as the impending school year draws near. I am tired because of my weight and the responsibility it brings.
Its not like I am obese and the weight is physically making me tired. I can get around, I can run, walk, jump, and do all of the things that I need to do. Its mentally tiring. I'm over it. So over it. Wanna know the funny thing? The thing that made me decide that it was time to do something about it? It was not my clothes being too tight, envying the cute bikinis on the beach (I didn't wear a bikini ever), or Luci asking me if there still was a baby in my belly (I know, she's two).
It does have to do with Luci, but it is quite different. The other day, I spent 20 minutes trying to find the right outfit. You know what Luci was doing? She was following me around, telling me how much she liked my clothes, and looking up to me. Right then and there, I decided. I WILL NOT pass my body issues onto my daughter. She is beautiful and smart and funny and so many things. The world will give her issues. Her mama does not need to.
So here is Day 1. I am promising myself a day 2 and 3 and so one. This is not just a story of a weight loss journey. This is about me loving myself so that my daughter will see me love myself. She needs a model of how to love yourself through everything, even the crap. Chad and I are doing an outstanding job modeling a healthy, productive relationship for her. The other men and women in her life are modeling how to be fabulous, productive people. Yet I am failing. Well not yet, but if I continue along this path, I will.
So here is my promise. I have promised myself I am going to lose weight a BILLION times, but this is different. I VOW to love myself. I vow to get moving, have fun, and enjoy physical activity with others. If I lose weight, sweet. I do have something to lose and it is this negative attitude I have of myself. I am beautiful and smart and funny. And I need to stop looking for that perfect outfit and just be happy in my own skin.
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