Cheeseburger in Paradise

Day 2 went beautifully.  I was focused, taking care of myself, eating well, and thinking good thoughts.  I bought new underwear, wore some lipstick, and we took a nice, long walk to the library.  My first day of school was delightful and I was left with a strong sense of being able to move toward.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not starting fresh from some hurt. There was no traumatic life event that I have to retreat from. I am a pretty good person and friend and a great teacher and mom.  Yet I knew I wasn't being the best person that I could be.  I was (am) ready to be that best person.

Today started well and then it happened.  I had a bad day.  It was a combination of outside factors and myself.  My expectation of the day did not meet reality.  It was not all bad.  I got to see people who are important to me, I learned a little, and I got to celebrate another school year.  By 4:00, I was grumpy, tired, and not so inspired.  So you know what I did?

I ate  I would have told you prior to this that I was not an emotional eater.  Apparently I am.  I should have had enough introspection to know this about myself, but it's kinda tricky.  I don't do it a lot and many times it aligns with "girl issues" so I don't even notice it.  Sometimes, I just feel like I need to eat.  Today, I needed it.  As I sat with my family (my beautiful family), ingesting my greasy meal, I realized I am doing this for all the wrong reasons.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to eat a good cheeseburger, but not like this.  As we sat waiting for the food, my spirits lifted.  My heart was happy.  Not because I was about to eat that cheeseburger (although I still really really loved that meal).  It was happy because of my company.  Because I got to talk to Chad.  Because Jude smiled at me.  Because Luci made me laugh.  There are a lot of things that make my heart happy.  The cheeseburger will just give me clogged arteries.  

Wanna know what I am going to do the next time instead?  I'll walk.  I'll take Luci and Jude to the park.  I'll sit on my porch swing and read.  I'll reflect on the day and figure out what sucked and make changes.  Allowing yourself to give in denotes passivity.  There is not a passive bone in my body.  I allow myself to be a victim of myself and my choices.  I am no one's victim.  The next time I make a choice about "naughty" food, it will be one I make whole-heartedly with good conscience.  Look out nachos, I'm coming for you next.