Dear Luci B.,
You turned 14 months today. Wow! At this time last year, your mommy was worrying over the fact that she would have to leave you to go back to work soon. Now, you're so big and doing new and great things every day.
You just started to walk a lot in the past few weeks. I was not rushing it one bit, but I will admit its pretty cute to watch you toddle. Every time someone new sees you walk, they cheer and you grin. You are so proud of your accomplishment. It makes me happy, yet sad to see your stages go by so quickly. You rolled over and crawled so early. Pulling yourself up was nothing to you. Then you moved to your famous knee walk which resulted in lots of bruises on your knees. You're a walker, big kid. That's another thing under your belt.
You love accessories. There is always a scarf, hat, or blanket wrapped around you somewhere. If you get the chance to go into our bedroom, you make a bee line for your dads' ties and get as many on as you can before we notice. You like to put them on and take them off over and over. You giggle as you do this because you know what a big girl you are. I am amazed at how "girly" you are because I am not. You are definitely your own person with that.
You love books and love to read. We read books throughout the day and then at least three every night before bed. You really enjoy us reading to you, but you also love reading to yourself. With the book open (sometimes upside down), you "read" the words. Ba-Ba-Ba over and over again until you finish the book. I hope you continue to enjoy books. They are so important to daddy and me. Reading takes you places, both in your mind and in life. Keep that energy and excitement going.
We sing and dance all of the time. You have the ABC's down in your own little way and this song settles you down better than any other. You are also a fan of the Rolling Stones and the Lawrence Welk Show. You like to "shake your booty." Its so funny watching you sing and dance. Such a happy baby! I will do everything in my power to keep it that way. I want you to remember the times when we sang and danced. Those are some of the best memories I have of your great-grama and me.
I am amazed every day that I watch your grow and change. I created your physical form and I am helping to create your "youness." Yet I know it is not all me and your family. You have such a strong mind and will that I see you will always be who you are meant to be. I hope I can help make that person even more fabulous.
Please remember you were the most wanted little girl in the world. You continue to be the most wanted little girl in the world.
I love you,
Mommy
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I confess!
This has been a difficult year for me, actually a difficult three months. Its not like anything really bad happened to me. There were no deaths, no heartbreak, nothing to "rock my world." Yet my world was rocked. A few circumstances brought to life a fact that was little known to me. I am not as great as I thought I was. I know. I know. You're thinking, "Seriously, you knew this, right?" Nope. That's the problem. I didn't.
One really bad experience at my place of employment and one very uncomfortable encounter with a friend made me realize that I can be a jerk. I don't mean to be a jerk. I really don't. It all stems from my insecurities, but nonetheless, I can be an ass.
I like to think I am pretty nice most of the time. I have friends and family who care about me and seem to think I am pretty cool. But these events showed me my dark side. I am about to confess these issues. This is completely cathartic and completely for me. But you can nod your head in agreement as you read if you wish.
1. I was judgemental. This one I am proud to put in past tense, because I am working REALLY hard on this. I judged my husband, my friends, my colleagues, and even people I did not know. "Why?" you ask. Because it made me feel better about myself. The person I was judging most was myself and I didn't always like what I saw. So I turned it around on others so I didn't have to take my own inventory. I'd like to think that I was never a jerk about it, but come on. Just the act of judging is mean. So I decided to stop. And I can honestly say, I have done a nice job with this one. I still judge people I don't know, because I can't hurt them. But I can, and did, hurt many that I loved. So if you ever felt that, I apologize.
2. I have to get my way. This I am not doing so well on. Let's face it. I was raised by my grama who thought I could do no wrong and gave me anything she could. I then married someone who thinks the world of me and gives me anything he can. We were discussing this over date night last weekend when Chad smiled and said, "I know you need that, so I give it to you." But... At what cost am I always getting my way? At first, I didn't think it mattered. Until a friend told me it did. So again, I am sorry. I would be annoyed if someone always got their way and it wasn't me. So, I am working on this one.
3. I need praise. I need to feel valued and important. See number 2 about the reasons why (grama and Chad). They gave (give) me what I need. This also stems from my insecurities. I tend to talk about all the good just so someone can tell me that, yes, it is awesome. Well of course it is. So lets move past that.
4. I never do things just-because. There is always a purpose, even if the purpose is to have fun. I think, I plan, I make it happen. I think, I plan, I make it happen. Everyone that knows me and loves me knows that there is not a lot of spontaneity in this body. I need the control of knowing what is about to happen.
5. I am afraid to be judged. Posting this for all to read is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I will be up late thinking that you are not going to like or love me as much as you did before this. I will worry that I hurt you and didn't mean to. I will wonder if you already thought those things about me. But then, I will get over it.
I don't want this to be a sad post. Because it is not for me. I needed to know these yucky things so that I could work on them. I made resolutions this year not because it was a new year. But because I am a new me. So, if you are lucky enough to know and love me and I am lucky enough to know and love you, be prepared to be treated well. Because you deserve it. Because I deserve it.
One really bad experience at my place of employment and one very uncomfortable encounter with a friend made me realize that I can be a jerk. I don't mean to be a jerk. I really don't. It all stems from my insecurities, but nonetheless, I can be an ass.
I like to think I am pretty nice most of the time. I have friends and family who care about me and seem to think I am pretty cool. But these events showed me my dark side. I am about to confess these issues. This is completely cathartic and completely for me. But you can nod your head in agreement as you read if you wish.
1. I was judgemental. This one I am proud to put in past tense, because I am working REALLY hard on this. I judged my husband, my friends, my colleagues, and even people I did not know. "Why?" you ask. Because it made me feel better about myself. The person I was judging most was myself and I didn't always like what I saw. So I turned it around on others so I didn't have to take my own inventory. I'd like to think that I was never a jerk about it, but come on. Just the act of judging is mean. So I decided to stop. And I can honestly say, I have done a nice job with this one. I still judge people I don't know, because I can't hurt them. But I can, and did, hurt many that I loved. So if you ever felt that, I apologize.
2. I have to get my way. This I am not doing so well on. Let's face it. I was raised by my grama who thought I could do no wrong and gave me anything she could. I then married someone who thinks the world of me and gives me anything he can. We were discussing this over date night last weekend when Chad smiled and said, "I know you need that, so I give it to you." But... At what cost am I always getting my way? At first, I didn't think it mattered. Until a friend told me it did. So again, I am sorry. I would be annoyed if someone always got their way and it wasn't me. So, I am working on this one.
3. I need praise. I need to feel valued and important. See number 2 about the reasons why (grama and Chad). They gave (give) me what I need. This also stems from my insecurities. I tend to talk about all the good just so someone can tell me that, yes, it is awesome. Well of course it is. So lets move past that.
4. I never do things just-because. There is always a purpose, even if the purpose is to have fun. I think, I plan, I make it happen. I think, I plan, I make it happen. Everyone that knows me and loves me knows that there is not a lot of spontaneity in this body. I need the control of knowing what is about to happen.
5. I am afraid to be judged. Posting this for all to read is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I will be up late thinking that you are not going to like or love me as much as you did before this. I will worry that I hurt you and didn't mean to. I will wonder if you already thought those things about me. But then, I will get over it.
I don't want this to be a sad post. Because it is not for me. I needed to know these yucky things so that I could work on them. I made resolutions this year not because it was a new year. But because I am a new me. So, if you are lucky enough to know and love me and I am lucky enough to know and love you, be prepared to be treated well. Because you deserve it. Because I deserve it.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to Heather. Happy birthday to you.
This has now been sung, uttered, screamed, said, whispered, etc. to me exactly 31 times. Oh yeah, I said it... 31 times.
This being said, many things have happened to me in those 31 years.
I learned to walk, talk, feed myself, and be cute in all the ways that babies do (and bigger people as well).
I learned to read, tie my shoes, write my name, and share with my school friends (because my teacher told me I had to).
I learned how to ride my bike, throw a softball, play fair with my friends, and who the cute boys were (what self respecting 10 year old doesn't know that?).
I learned I had to do my chores, do good in school, call my grama if I was going to be late, and come in when it was dark (did not want the ire of said grama).
Later, I learned how to write a really good love note, what a french kiss was, and how to pass a note to my very best girlfriend without the teacher knowing (and now I am that teacher).
Even later, I learned death of a loved one sucks the life out of you as well, while love boosts you back up, and that friends can disappoint you on the same day they make you smile.
Now I know what a good kiss is, that I still have to play fair with my friends, and love notes still work on your partner.
Now I know that I am a sensitive, insecure girl who needs reassurance and have surrounded myself by people who can give me that (they don't seem to mind too much).
Now I know love is hard, no matter who you are trying to love.
Mostly I know I am right where I want to be.
This has now been sung, uttered, screamed, said, whispered, etc. to me exactly 31 times. Oh yeah, I said it... 31 times.
This being said, many things have happened to me in those 31 years.
I learned to walk, talk, feed myself, and be cute in all the ways that babies do (and bigger people as well).
I learned to read, tie my shoes, write my name, and share with my school friends (because my teacher told me I had to).
I learned how to ride my bike, throw a softball, play fair with my friends, and who the cute boys were (what self respecting 10 year old doesn't know that?).
I learned I had to do my chores, do good in school, call my grama if I was going to be late, and come in when it was dark (did not want the ire of said grama).
Later, I learned how to write a really good love note, what a french kiss was, and how to pass a note to my very best girlfriend without the teacher knowing (and now I am that teacher).
Even later, I learned death of a loved one sucks the life out of you as well, while love boosts you back up, and that friends can disappoint you on the same day they make you smile.
Now I know what a good kiss is, that I still have to play fair with my friends, and love notes still work on your partner.
Now I know that I am a sensitive, insecure girl who needs reassurance and have surrounded myself by people who can give me that (they don't seem to mind too much).
Now I know love is hard, no matter who you are trying to love.
Mostly I know I am right where I want to be.
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