I confess!

This has been a difficult year for me, actually a difficult three months. Its not like anything really bad happened to me. There were no deaths, no heartbreak, nothing to "rock my world." Yet my world was rocked. A few circumstances brought to life a fact that was little known to me. I am not as great as I thought I was. I know. I know. You're thinking, "Seriously, you knew this, right?" Nope. That's the problem. I didn't.

One really bad experience at my place of employment and one very uncomfortable encounter with a friend made me realize that I can be a jerk. I don't mean to be a jerk. I really don't. It all stems from my insecurities, but nonetheless, I can be an ass.

I like to think I am pretty nice most of the time. I have friends and family who care about me and seem to think I am pretty cool. But these events showed me my dark side. I am about to confess these issues. This is completely cathartic and completely for me. But you can nod your head in agreement as you read if you wish.

1. I was judgemental. This one I am proud to put in past tense, because I am working REALLY hard on this. I judged my husband, my friends, my colleagues, and even people I did not know. "Why?" you ask. Because it made me feel better about myself. The person I was judging most was myself and I didn't always like what I saw. So I turned it around on others so I didn't have to take my own inventory. I'd like to think that I was never a jerk about it, but come on. Just the act of judging is mean. So I decided to stop. And I can honestly say, I have done a nice job with this one. I still judge people I don't know, because I can't hurt them. But I can, and did, hurt many that I loved. So if you ever felt that, I apologize.

2. I have to get my way. This I am not doing so well on. Let's face it. I was raised by my grama who thought I could do no wrong and gave me anything she could. I then married someone who thinks the world of me and gives me anything he can. We were discussing this over date night last weekend when Chad smiled and said, "I know you need that, so I give it to you." But... At what cost am I always getting my way? At first, I didn't think it mattered. Until a friend told me it did. So again, I am sorry. I would be annoyed if someone always got their way and it wasn't me. So, I am working on this one.

3. I need praise. I need to feel valued and important. See number 2 about the reasons why (grama and Chad). They gave (give) me what I need. This also stems from my insecurities. I tend to talk about all the good just so someone can tell me that, yes, it is awesome. Well of course it is. So lets move past that.

4. I never do things just-because. There is always a purpose, even if the purpose is to have fun. I think, I plan, I make it happen. I think, I plan, I make it happen. Everyone that knows me and loves me knows that there is not a lot of spontaneity in this body. I need the control of knowing what is about to happen.

5. I am afraid to be judged. Posting this for all to read is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I will be up late thinking that you are not going to like or love me as much as you did before this. I will worry that I hurt you and didn't mean to. I will wonder if you already thought those things about me. But then, I will get over it.

I don't want this to be a sad post. Because it is not for me. I needed to know these yucky things so that I could work on them. I made resolutions this year not because it was a new year. But because I am a new me. So, if you are lucky enough to know and love me and I am lucky enough to know and love you, be prepared to be treated well. Because you deserve it. Because I deserve it.