Where did naptimes go?

I only get time for naps in the summer. The irony of this is that I am not usually that tired in the summer. The time when I really need it is during the school year and there is no time for that. It makes me less crabby, more relaxed, and a much nicer person. I need a time to renew myself just like Luci does everyday.



Why don't we take more naps as adults. Luci has been sleeping through the night since about 6 weeks. At that time, her naps were still sporadic. As she grew older, she just fell into a pretty good schedule where she naps about 10 and then again about 3. I schedule those naps into our days. We don't go anywhere during those times because I know she needs it. Yes, it takes alot of work and sometimes I have to miss out on fun. But I know that as she gets older, the naps will disapear and we can have lots of fun together all day long. Those naps are as much for her as they are for me.



I've been making a habit to relax during one of Lucis' naps. During the 10:00 rest time, I get busy cleaning. During the afternoon nap, I rest. I don't always fall asleep, but I relax. I don't think of all of the things I should be doing; rather I think about what I want to do. Do I want to read a book, use my hour of television for the day, close my eyes and rest, or sit on the porch swing and stare at the cars and animals that go by? That time is mine.



I hope I can find some time in the fall to relax. I don't relax easily. I don't stop readily. So this is big for me. I am going to try to schedule those down times during the school day, when I get home, and on the weekends. Yet I worry that when the pressure is on, I will fold and just start rushing again. So right now, I relish these quiet times.

I was going to be the perfect parent

I thought I knew it all before Luci came into the world. I was that judgemental person sitting there talking junk about all the parenting decisions others had made and I had no right to critique.

"Can you believe they are letting her eat that?"
"Why don't they just tell him to stop crying?"
"No way! They are not letting her do that!" The list goes on and on of things I said and shouldn't have. I apologize profusely to all those people who didn't know what I was doing and any friends who did. I thought you were wrong, but it was me.

I was going to have a natural childbirth without the assistance of pain meds because I was strong. This is now coming from a mommy whose blood pressure continued to rise to such dangerous levels that an emergency c section was scheduled. Three hours later, I met my little bug in a very different manner than expected. The four inch scar on my belly is now a reminder that although I would like for things to be a certain way, they never are. My c-section was such a positive experience and I have only good memories of my time in the hospital. Next time, I will try to a vaginal birth, but this comes with an understanding that that may not be possible.

I was going to breastfeed. It is best for the child and any parent who doesn't is just being selfish. Well that didn't work out the way I wanted. A combination of a bad latcher, misguided lactation advice, and retained placenta (yea, gross!) meant that my breastfeeding experience was short lived and extremely stressful. I was not up in the middle of the night crying because she would not sleep. No, I was up because I could not feed her and she was hungry. There is nothing worse, I mean nothing worse than knowing your child is hungry and you are not able to do what you are supposed to do. Chad reminded me over and over again that formula was a good alternative, but it took a long time for me to come to that conclusion. In the end, I had to give in and feed my baby because she was losing weight. I continued to pump to give her the small amount I could produce, but also continued to feel like a failure. It is only now when she is almost seven months old that I realize it was not my fault. Hopefully next time it will turn out better.

It doesn't kill me to hear my baby cry. I confess. I am not a cold hearted person, I swear. It makes me feel for her, but I understand its necessary at times. I have a great baby who sleeps through the night and has since she began getting the nutrition she needed. I think this is partly because Chad and I let her learn to self soothe. I almost feel guilty about this. I hear my girl friends say, "I can't stand to hear him or her cry." I think to myself what is wrong with me? Why don't I feel that way? Don't get me wrong, when she is hurt or ill it makes me sad. She is so little and only has us to care for her. Yet when I put her down at night and she is not asleep and she starts to cry, I just close the door. Mind you, I don't turn on the monitor for five minutes because I know she is crying. Then I check on her to see if she is fizzling out. But its not as hard for me as I think it should be. It just shows you that mommies (and daddies) are so full of doubt even about the smallest things.

I think its cute when she screams in public. Luci is a happy baby who rarely cries unless she is tired or hungry. But lately, she has found her voice and can let that voice go. I know it drives others nuts and I shush her when she does it. But secretly inside, I say, "Go for it girl. Learn how to get what you need." I always thought I would strive to raise a quiet, obediant child because that is how I was raised. Yet I want a little girl who knows how to raise hell and at the same time knows when to zip it. I am going to let her scream so be prepared if you see us coming.

There are so many other things I do wrong. I don't sanatize everything that she comes in contact with. I let her watch tv. I compare her to other babies. I leave her in the johnny jumpup too long to get something done. I even put her in the johnny jump up (I know there are many who disagree with this.) I go out with my friends occasionally and leave her with a sitter overnight. I put her to bed with a bottle. I buy her too many clothes. The list goes on...

Yet I focus on all of the things I do well. She has two great parents who love her to peices. She has extended family and friends who think she is just the neatest little thing. I take her for walks and talk to her about what she is seeing. I ask her what she wants to wear every day. I smile every time I see her. I read to her. I play with her. I give her experiences that I never had. I give her space to crawl and move and learn about the world. This list goes on...

I was going to be the perfect parent. I may not be the perfect parent, but I am perfect for Luci. And she is perfect for me.

Shopping the Outer Aisles

I shopped the outer aisles at Meijer today. Alright, that's not completely true, but its close. I went into the middle to get couscous and sparkling water so don't hate. I chose only items that needed further prep, not just things I can throw in a pot. Chad and I don't purchase a lot of those anyway, but today I made a conscious effort not to go there. And it was pretty easy.

I also didn't turn on the tv today until 7 pm. I thought this was going to be the hardest on my new to do list, but it wasn't. I made an effort not to turn on the tv when I walked into a room where one was. I am not a big television watcher, but I am a big listener. I like the background noise. Yet I learned something today. You hear so much more without it. I heard the birds. I heard my daughter making new sounds. I heard people saying hello to their families when they got home from work. I got a chance to hear myself. I thought today, alot. I liked it.

Because I don't say it enough...

I don't say it enough. I love you. Thank you. You are amazing....

When I think back over the years of my life, you seem to always play a part. I know you weren't always there, but it feels like it. You have changed my life; actually became my life. When I met you, it didn't seem all that life changing. There wasn't that moment where I thought, I will be with this man forever. It didn't come then, but it came later.

It came when you watched fireworks with my grama while waiting for me to come back. It came when you skipped school to drive me back to college because I was sick. It came when you held me while I cried at David's funeral. It came when you asked me to marry you on top of a hill overlooking beautiful landscape. It came when you chose the perfect song for our first dance as a married couple. It came when you were just as sad as me when grama died. It came when you walked into our house before it was ours and said, "This is it." It came when I saw you snuggled up with Henry at the apartment the night before we moved into the house. It came when I saw how you looked at Luci for the first time.

Alright, it didn't magically happen that first time I saw you. But its happened since. Over and over. And I know it will continue for the rest of our lives. So again, thank you for being my partner, the father of my child, my life. Thank you for reminding me every day why you are amazing and why I am "The Luckiest."

Living Simply

Trying new things is hard. Keeping up with those new things is even harder. I fell off the green wagon. I still did my thing, but stopped posting about it because life happened. The end of the year came and my focus turned to that and not this.

So I'm back, but different. This summer I am not only working on being green, but also on being simple. I want to learn to slow down, use less, and maybe save some money. I have always wanted to enjoy more time, waste less, lose some weight, and save some money. I decided that rather than focus on those goals, I am going to focus on one thing. Living simply. If any of the above mentioned things happen, bonus. So now my journey begins. Again.