I was going to be the perfect parent

I thought I knew it all before Luci came into the world. I was that judgemental person sitting there talking junk about all the parenting decisions others had made and I had no right to critique.

"Can you believe they are letting her eat that?"
"Why don't they just tell him to stop crying?"
"No way! They are not letting her do that!" The list goes on and on of things I said and shouldn't have. I apologize profusely to all those people who didn't know what I was doing and any friends who did. I thought you were wrong, but it was me.

I was going to have a natural childbirth without the assistance of pain meds because I was strong. This is now coming from a mommy whose blood pressure continued to rise to such dangerous levels that an emergency c section was scheduled. Three hours later, I met my little bug in a very different manner than expected. The four inch scar on my belly is now a reminder that although I would like for things to be a certain way, they never are. My c-section was such a positive experience and I have only good memories of my time in the hospital. Next time, I will try to a vaginal birth, but this comes with an understanding that that may not be possible.

I was going to breastfeed. It is best for the child and any parent who doesn't is just being selfish. Well that didn't work out the way I wanted. A combination of a bad latcher, misguided lactation advice, and retained placenta (yea, gross!) meant that my breastfeeding experience was short lived and extremely stressful. I was not up in the middle of the night crying because she would not sleep. No, I was up because I could not feed her and she was hungry. There is nothing worse, I mean nothing worse than knowing your child is hungry and you are not able to do what you are supposed to do. Chad reminded me over and over again that formula was a good alternative, but it took a long time for me to come to that conclusion. In the end, I had to give in and feed my baby because she was losing weight. I continued to pump to give her the small amount I could produce, but also continued to feel like a failure. It is only now when she is almost seven months old that I realize it was not my fault. Hopefully next time it will turn out better.

It doesn't kill me to hear my baby cry. I confess. I am not a cold hearted person, I swear. It makes me feel for her, but I understand its necessary at times. I have a great baby who sleeps through the night and has since she began getting the nutrition she needed. I think this is partly because Chad and I let her learn to self soothe. I almost feel guilty about this. I hear my girl friends say, "I can't stand to hear him or her cry." I think to myself what is wrong with me? Why don't I feel that way? Don't get me wrong, when she is hurt or ill it makes me sad. She is so little and only has us to care for her. Yet when I put her down at night and she is not asleep and she starts to cry, I just close the door. Mind you, I don't turn on the monitor for five minutes because I know she is crying. Then I check on her to see if she is fizzling out. But its not as hard for me as I think it should be. It just shows you that mommies (and daddies) are so full of doubt even about the smallest things.

I think its cute when she screams in public. Luci is a happy baby who rarely cries unless she is tired or hungry. But lately, she has found her voice and can let that voice go. I know it drives others nuts and I shush her when she does it. But secretly inside, I say, "Go for it girl. Learn how to get what you need." I always thought I would strive to raise a quiet, obediant child because that is how I was raised. Yet I want a little girl who knows how to raise hell and at the same time knows when to zip it. I am going to let her scream so be prepared if you see us coming.

There are so many other things I do wrong. I don't sanatize everything that she comes in contact with. I let her watch tv. I compare her to other babies. I leave her in the johnny jumpup too long to get something done. I even put her in the johnny jump up (I know there are many who disagree with this.) I go out with my friends occasionally and leave her with a sitter overnight. I put her to bed with a bottle. I buy her too many clothes. The list goes on...

Yet I focus on all of the things I do well. She has two great parents who love her to peices. She has extended family and friends who think she is just the neatest little thing. I take her for walks and talk to her about what she is seeing. I ask her what she wants to wear every day. I smile every time I see her. I read to her. I play with her. I give her experiences that I never had. I give her space to crawl and move and learn about the world. This list goes on...

I was going to be the perfect parent. I may not be the perfect parent, but I am perfect for Luci. And she is perfect for me.